The Life we had and lost … Move forward … But learn.

We may move forward however what we don’t realize is that with every action Newton was right there IS an equal and opposite reaction.

It’s the Butterfly Effect and it’s real … Unfortunately our decisions change not only our lives but of others … Even our children’s lives .. our mothers, our family and friends, those we unknowingly influence around us … Decisions should never be taken lightly.

It’s a constant struggle in life … Different phases mean different struggles. Life is valuable and unfortunately as I become older and slowly wiser with each lesson life plummets at me and hits me square in the core of my being; I realize how simple yet complex life is. Simple in the ease of unfortunate impactful decisions made that seemed to be right has made others lives turn upside down. Unbenounced to me, I personally have caused unhappiness and discord especially in the lives of those I care for the most. These decisions haven’t been selfish and I still believe overall they were the best. When I didn’t handle the outcome of some of my decisions with grace (quite the opposite I lost my strength and so arrogantly in my mind compared myself to the story of the Greek God Atlas … I shrugged and not only behaved like a victim … No matter how unjustly I had been treated I multiplied that times 1000 unwittingly when I allowed myself to shut down mentally and change my priorities and focus on just getting through a severely tough situation but having lost the feeling that I could make my inner strength survive and become stronger I gave up. I not only lost everything tangible, I lost precious irreplaceable time and it was torn away from me … With a munchkin of mine the only one and I love so much this little one…. My couple of bad decisions after the big decision were the worst and my whole world fell into microscopic crumbs. Left with no friends except maybe 3 that stuck it out … Others maybe 2 are still there just aren’t finding much value in being my friend … I have seen what it is and felt such pain from my actions and decisions. At the time, I only can compare falling in a dream and not knowing if I’m dreaming or if it’s real but feeling the sensation of falling even when I wake up and feeling afraid still; that is descriptive a bit of just one of many emotions and feelings and mental anguish that I felt from loosing the presence of that little person in my life as it used to be. Even now I have no alone time no bonding time no car or home of my own but the loss as a maternal figure in the little persons life has been so far the most empty and painful and can only I feel lost. I feel so lost and such anguish and at times anger inside and no means of changing it or getting the time lost back. I missed out on some of the most important years of my life and all because of repercussions of one decision and the two that followed that seemed so small. With that the legal system no matter what saw my character as un-credible and so much worse. When faced with lies that were reported legally I was unable to prove them wrong. I offered a lie detector test. These are not immissible in court. There was no burden of proof either way however I had been labeled. Regardless of anything good and any successes I have had and regardless of who I am was or have been; no one had my back that could vouch for me or my character. 2 mistakes 3 decisions. Done.

I leave this small tidbit of my life story as an anonymous author without too much elaboration in hope of helping someone understand something that will save poverty not financially but poverty internally with every bit of my heart being broken in many ways throughout my existence, I’ve been strong until the loss that no one should ever experience. Even at my weakest moments my strength was there until the time lost was gone and will never be found. There are sometimes no second chances in life no matter how much we yearn for them. We have to accept the consequences of our actions. Some actions are by far not worth making the decision to pursue.

What is happiness? It comes from within and we determine if we accept happiness. I still feel happiness but will always have pain no matter what wonderful things may or may not be in store for my life. That pain haunts me. Some days I find some relief when I am able to see my child even though never spending time taking him places or alone time bonding nor am I allowed to without going back to court which is money not available.

I hope someone reads this and if nothing else realises the importance of each and every moment of life. Appreciate what is given to you especially time. Time I’ve found isn’t capable of healing all wounds, but it is however so precious and each second is one more that will never be seen again. With that I end this reflection and lesson and pray to God above every day for any grace and mercy that I may have a taste of what it’s like to truly be a mother to my precious child that I adore and love with every ounce of my being.

-Anonymous yet Infamous

to err is human

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